Is this what my life should be?
by SniperR
Summary: Kadaj's thoughts just before he merges with Jenova's cells. Angsty while he does battle with Cloud and an annoying voice in his head.


Yay me! I finally wrote something on FFVII! My first stab at this series, and my first shot at a first person POV. Centerd aroun Kadaj. Just a note, the italics in the story is that little voice in his head we call a conscience. I gave him a more 'scared little boy' persona though... don't kill me!

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I finally have mother's cells.

Cloud's in my way though, I have to get rid of him. You can't beat me, big brother, not when Mother's cells will course through me. It doesn't matter if you're older, I'm still better. I'm like Sephiroth, and I can beat you no matter what.

Besides, I can't afford to lose. Mother would be so disappointed with me.

Not that she notices me anyway, and not that I mind. She likes Sephiroth better, and I'm fine with it. Either way, this world will come to an end, no matter who she chooses, no matter who she likes more, even if it's not me.

_But does she even like me? What am I to her…?_

..no! Mustn't think that way about Mother… doesn't matter if it drives me insane… doesn't mater how many times Loz and Yazoo told me this wasn't worth it… they ended up following me anyway, I was the only one with the guts to do this…

Speaking of my brothers, where are they? I didn't see them when I got here, I hope nothing's happened to them. What am I saying? Those two can take care of themselves.

Doesn't matter anyway, one way or another the reunion will happen, all I need is my body and Mother's cells. I have both, and now all I need is to merge myself with the cells.

_Do I want the reunion? _

Dammit!

What a shitty place to be… hanging from a ledge with no sword and Mother's cells in the other hand. I need a chance to merge with them, I can't let her down…

Where the hell are Loz and Yazoo! I heard an explosion as big brother and I where fighting, did that have something to do with them? I fear so, because I can't feel their presence anymore…

No, never mind, there they are.

But that's not important now.

_Loz… Yazoo…_

What's important now is the reunion. I can't let Mother or Sephiroth down…

_Even though I've never met him…_

Will this conscious crap ever stop! It's driving me nuts, first it was Sephiroth's voice and now it's mine… All I heard all my life is reunion, reunion, reunion… now it's the opposite? Do I want the reunion or not? I don't have anyone left to tell me what to do. Is this it?

_I'm alone, I hate being alone. I hate growing up… this is just too complicated for me. _

Shut up! I wish that stupid voice would go away!

Stupid big brother… Stop looking at me!

I can't open this case and hang on at the same time. Maybe I can trick brother into opening it?

_Will that work?_

SHUT UP you stupid voice!

I push myself up, and, just as I expected, brother counters. Except, I put the case with Mother's cells in my place and his sword cuts clean through it.

Perfect.

_You don't want this._

SHUT UP!

I grab the case angrily and take what I can hold of Mother's cells all while plummeting to the ground. Brother looks at me in confusion, but catches on quick enough.

"My reunion. That you're dying to watch." I relish in the look of his eyes widening.

_Stop this, you don't know what's going to happen._

I'm not listening to you anymore. So I bring the cells close to me, and I have this weird feeling like all my energy is reacting to the cells. Anyway, this is what I worked so hard for…

_This is it tough, this is the end of you. All for someone you've never met?_

I said I'm not listening!

I hit ground, still managing to land on my feet. It's weird, this feeling. I can't explain it, but it's like my consciousness is slipping away. My body feels all tingly, and my vision is beginning to fade. I don't like this feeling. I can't explain it, even to myself, so I'll just say that my body feels like it's no longer mine, like I'm being pushed away from it. It's weird.

_You're being replaced, poor little remnant. _

Am I?

_Yazoo… Loz… where are you? I need you, I'm… scared._

No I'm not

I'm aware of big brother diving towards me, and I put my hands up to stop, even if I'm barely aware of doing so. As I'm pulled completely out of my body, I hear my voice, only… it's not my own.

"Good to see you, Cloud."

Fini

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Thanks, hit the review button please :)

SniperR


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